A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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