Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
