I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
As shirtless as possible
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Who died my cat blue again?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
