We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
