My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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