Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
