So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
