he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
me + whiskey = a bad person
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
