My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
