Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
