bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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