apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
