I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
We need a shit load of segways right now
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
