You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
