Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
