You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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