is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
