I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Every concussion has its silver lining
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
