I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
