Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
