So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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