You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
