if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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