ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
