You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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