Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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