The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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