did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
