I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
