You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
