think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
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you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
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My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.