everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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