I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
