i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
i believe in u and ur pee
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
