On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
