R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
