no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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