the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
