She is in my trunk
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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