lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
