I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
