Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
