are you so shy because you have an std?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
