You smell like a Billy Joel song
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
