if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
