I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
