In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
