3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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