so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
