I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
