Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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