My Higher Power is John Stamos
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize