Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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