I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
