Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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