I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
