he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
