I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
