Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy