The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low