just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Use "feeling words"
Yay
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
