If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
