tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
