White coat. Heels.
Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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