how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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